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Rebuilding the Family Unit

Title: Quality Time

Author: Tamar Levy

Article:
Quality time - games, books, television, computer: how, why and how much?

This article examines the term quality time and tries to clarify what should be emphasized when planning quality time with children. It also examines ways of knowing how to choose the better quality products from among the wealth of offerings on the market.

The meaning of the term: Quality Time

The term was coined in response to the many hours parents work and the long stretches of time they are away from home. Behind it is the notion that it is not only the number of hours the parent spends with the child are important, but also the quality of the time, that is, how the parent fills the time he spends with his child.

Quality time means time devoted exclusively to the child and to engaging in activities with him. The parent interacts with and focuses all his attention on the child. The interaction consists of communication between them at a time when the parent is entirely free from other activities: he does not think about work, talk on the phone, try to sneak a peek at the TV, etc. Quality means emotional quality for the child. When the parent concentrates on the child, the latter feels he is important, loved and wanted. Those feelings contribute significantly to his self-confidence and to his relationship with the parent. During quality time, that is, when the parent is completely attentive to the child, it is easier for the child to open up share with his parent all kinds of things. That mutuality is very important for the foundation of the parent-child relationship and also enables the child to receive feedback from the parent, which will help him process his experience and perhaps see things from a different angle.

Quality time is not necessarily a time for "productions" or “distractions”, but rather a time when the parent is entirely focused on the child, attentive to him and as available as possible. Thus reading a story, playing a board game, or even playing hide and seek inside the house are all activities which can become quality time.

Quality time is not measured in terms of what the child has learned from the interaction but rather according to how much real, full attention he has received. Not every action with the child has to be educational. In today's competitive society there is a very strong tendency to have the child make as much progress as possible and to enrich his knowledge. It is true that the child learns a great deal from his parents and that the parent has the enormous responsibility for teaching the child, but that does not mean that there is no time to play. If the parent and child played hide and seek and enjoyed themselves, then the child experienced quality time and profited emotionally

How is quality time spent?

Even if it is understood that quality time is measured by how free the parent is for the child, there is still the question of how to channel the time. The leading principle should be mutual enjoyment, that is, to search for activities that will enable pleasant, attentive interaction.

One way of spending the afternoon is to take the child to a local attraction, such as a jamboree or performance. When the parent decides on such an attraction it is important to remember not to raise the level of stimulation too quickly for small children. If a child is taken to an amusement park when he is two years old, where will his parent take him when he is four? If the parent decides to go to a performance, it is better at first to go to small, intimate performances and only at a later age to go to larger productions. To make the outing interesting the level of stimulation will have to be raised, and if it is high from the outset, problems are likely to arise. In addition, smaller places enable closer parent-child interaction, and that is what is really important.

Creative activities

Mutual parent-child creative activities can be an excellent time for closeness and conversation. For the child to be able to utilize his capacities and feel comfortable while engaging in creative activities, it is important to let him do things his own way. For example the parent should not force the child to fill the whole page when drawing' or demand that he use specific colors. Since his finished work is his personal stamp, it is important not to interpret the work but to allow the child to explain it himself. It is also important to provide detailed positive reinforcement as to why the work is pretty. Because the child's finished product is an externalization of his inner
world it is important to treat it with respect.

Of course, children of different ages can be given different materials to work with, from Playdoh and finger-paints to scissors and glue.

Games and toys

Today's market is flooded with games and toys and the supply is enormous. The child does not need a lot of everything: he can play with the same toy a number of times, and he will only profit by using his imagination to find new ways of playing with the same game.

Choosing games and toys

First of all, the game or toy should be interesting and fun to play with for both parent and child, since both will play with it. It must be completely safe for the child. To be interesting it should be suited to the child's level of development, including language ability, motor skills and ability to deal with complicated instructions. The game or toy does not have to teach the child something, it has to provide a pleasant mutual experience. To know which game is suitable for the child's development, the parent can consult friends, the Internet, the kindergarten staff or friends with children.

In principle, at around two years of age the child can be acquainted with games that require coordination based on the understanding of concepts, such as the animal and its dwelling, the mother animal and its young, dominoes, etc. Such games allow the child to experience the significance of playing in turn, of playing with others and of postponing gratification, which are all skills he will acquire and practice, and calm interaction with a parent is a good time for such learning.

At around three years of age the child begins to play "pretend", a socio-dramatic game that essentially imitates situations in the adult world. It is worthwhile to provide him with equipment for such games, such as kitchen utensils and a doctor's bag, etc.

Physical games

Studies have shown that children with lots of good experience in movement will grow up with a positive self-image and confidence in themselves and their abilities. Parents should provide their children with motor experiences such as hide and go seek, a play ground or just dance and jump together. Such games are often entertaining for the child and can also serve as a good way for parents and children to become close. The physical contact, which is part of such games, adds to parent-child closeness.

The importance of books

Reading books is a wonderful way of creating quality time, in that both parent and child concentrate together and experience the book being read. There are three kinds of children's books: those whose aim is to help the child through an emotional process, such as weaning, going to sleep, divorce, etc.; those with an educational message, such as "it is best to be what you are," "everyone is different and special," etc.; and those which simply tell a story.

Regardless of the kind of story, first of all the child will profit from an intimate, pleasant situation with the parent, and the resulting enjoyment will reinforce the relationship, which is a very important benefit. Naturally, an additional benefit for the child will be the development of his vocabulary and language in general.

Many books raise the child's independent emotional awareness. Children tend to identify relatively easily with characters in stories or to transfer the characters to significant figures in their own world. They discover that they are not the only ones to cope with a specific difficulty, and through a book can better understand their own feelings. Very often books suggest solutions which the child can adopt as is, or can use them as the basis for other solutions.

Books enable the child to preserve a certain distance from what happens: the story is not about him but about a fictional character and the distance allows him to examine his emotions, thoughts and behavior in a relatively protected and secure way, thus he can consider them without fear. Such a conversation will be possible mainly in quality time situations, that is, situations in which the child feels the parent is attentive to him and only him.

Choosing books

Today there are a great many books for toddlers, but how can the parent know if they are good or not? How can he know if it is
suitable for his child? First of all, as with games, the book must please the parent who is supposed to read it. Then the following should be examined:

1. The relationship between text and pictures: as the child grows, there should be more text and fewer illustrations.

2. The degree to which the written language is suitable for the language of the child: at the beginning of language acquirement
rhymes are more suitable, songs and poems that can be recited; later complex sentences can be included, as can the prepositions
the child is supposed to learn.

3. The degree to which the book activates the child: action books arouse a greater degree of activity while they are being read, which is suitable for younger children whose attention span is shorter.

4. Illustrations: are they pleasing to look at, can they be used to develop interaction, etc.?

5. How complicated the story is: the older the child, the more complicated and longer the story can be, and the greater the number of characters it can have.

6. Coordinating the story to situations in the child's life: if the parents know that changes are about to occur, shortly beforehand it is preferable to read a story in preparation for the subject, and to enable the child to process his feelings before the change takes place.

7. The child should be allowed to choose: the child can choose between two books the parent liked in the bookstore, and he can
certainly choose what he wants to hear from among the books he has at home.

In summation, the most important thing about quality time is that it devotes attention to the child. The joint activity does not have to be very instructive or a great production, it should simply be done together.

About the author:
Tamar Levy is a child development specialist and obtains a M.A. in Preschool Counseling. Tamar acts as Director of Content at http://www.babytoonz.com, Babytoonz, a leading producer of http://www.babytoonz.com, baby television programs and DVDs for infants.

Title: Building Better Family Relationships

Author: James Monahan

Article:
At these times when both men and women work for a living, small children are often left at home with a babysitter or at a daycare center while older ones spend the whole day at school. Most of the time, parents have just enough time to spare to just tuck in their kids at night. They sometimes do not even have enough time to talk about their individual lives let alone spend a day of fun together. But building good relationships with one's children does not mean you have to spend the whole day with them. Little conversations, little gestures of comfort, little things that you do everyday whether they be for an hour or for just a few minutes are enough especially when done with sincerity and commitment to strengthening and building the bonds that you have with your children. Here are some of the ways of building better relationships with your children.

Set time for small talks
Whether the talks are done inside the car on the way to school or to the day care center; or while being in the comforts of the dinner table; these are good beginnings for building better relationship with children. These are the times when they talk about their life in school or some incident in the play area. Parents can learn a lot from these small conversations. Often, it is in these conversations when parents find out incidents of bullying, difficulties in school and young crushes.

Give a hug
There is so much good in giving a child a hug. According to research, touch therapy is very effective in building family relationships especially in building bonds between parents and child. It is a good way in expressing your love and concern for kids. In addition to hugs, small kisses and pats on the back are also crucial in building relationships.

Leave messages
Another effective way of building good relationships with your children is maintaining constant communication in whatever form you can do this. Parents with mobile phones for instance can keep track of their older children through mobile phones. Messages left in a family bulletin board or posted on the refrigerator are also great ways of maintaining your presence in your child's life.

Be with them
Despite the busy schedules, make an effort to be there when you do have the time. A once-a-month family getaway can do wonders to building closer family ties. Another effective way in building family relationships is finding a common ground and making compromises not only on your schedules but also on your various interests. It is a good idea to take turns going to your favorite places when out on a family trip.

Be there on special occasions
School presentations and school games are big things for every child. Whatever role they are playing, whether they are the lone tree in the background or the star of the show; whether they are reserves in a basketball game or the power forward, it is important that parents be there to watch the games and the presentations and support their children in their projects. Your physical presence in these kinds of occasions is crucial in building relationships with your child as your attendance will express to your child that they matter to you and that you are willing to give them a portion of their time.

About the author: James Monahan is the owner and senior editor of www.buildingbase.com BuildingBase.com.

Title: Sweeten Someone's Childhood

Author: Jean Fisher

Article:
We live in times when the innocence of childhood is being lost earlier than ever before. What can we as parents, grandparents and caretakers do to postpone the inevitable? What can we do to create memories and experiences for our children (and ourselves) to treasure for a lifetime?

Get outside as much as possible. It was a beautiful, rainy, Spring day here in Northern Arizona and I needed to return some books to the library. However, when I pulled into the parking lot, I didn't jump out of the car and dash into the library right away. My attention was captured by the site of a small boy, probably about two years old, playing in the adjacent park. Between the library parking lot and the shady park, runs a small gully. On a wet day such as this one, water coursed through that grassy gully. The object of my attention was dressed in a hooded slicker and rubber boots. He was wading in the water and floating sticks down the stream. Now I could plainly see that on frequent occasions the water was trickling down inside those little green rubber boots. I felt sure that the boy's caretaker (grandmother?) watching from the bank also knew that she would be peeling soggy socks off those little feet when they got home. But weighing the options, she had decided that wet feet were a bargain in exchange for the glorious experiences of the day.

Find a park, drive to the forest, spend time next to rivers, lakes and oceans. Take along a good book and let your child romp in the outdoors. Even if you can't get away very often, make sure that when you do, the outing lasts long enough for satiation to set in. Of course, with some children that might mean spending the entire day at the playground. To avoid unpleasantness at the end, agree on a time limit before you go and give a 15 minute and then 5 minute warning when the time to leave is approaching. And then stick to it!

Don't mind a little mess. Creativity and imagination need stretches of uninterrupted time and sometimes the creative processes require a few props. It can get pretty messy! So make a plan. Designate an area for capricious play, "No toys in the kitchen or dining room!" Only one type of toy out at a time, "Put away all the action figures before you get out the legos." Have a time frame, "At 5:00 everybody stops what they are doing and we become a clean team."

Read stories, tell stories. Of course, read to your children. I especially like fables and fairy tales. Reading together is fun and can often provide one of those "teaching moments" giving you the opportunity to discuss the morals and messages behind the story itself.

But don't rely on books alone for your stories. Tell some of your own. Children love to hear stories of the things they did when they were younger. They also love to hear stories of your own childhood. Here's a story my dad used to tell us.

He was one of six children growing up on a busy farm. Everyone worked hard. It was the end of the summer and Grandma (dad's mom) had been working in the hot kitchen all day preserving food in jars. When dinner came around she was especially tired and cranky. In her super-sensitive emotional state, Grandma felt unappreciated. It seemed that everyone had something negative to say about the meal. She cracked! "The next person who says anything critical about my cooking will be preparing all the meals from now on!"

The table was a quiet place after that. For weeks everyone talked in hushed tones and made pointed compliments about the food, but Grandma had not forgotten her threat. The family was sure of that!

Dad's oldest brother, my Uncle Lee, was the kind of person who liked to stir things up a bit. He knew that dad's other brother, my Uncle Paul, was an impulsive sort and often acted and spoke before thinking. The evil plan was hatched. Uncle Lee dumped a mountain of salt into the pot of beans cooking on the stove and waited for dinnertime to arrive.

Sure enough, when a forkful of those beans went into Uncle Paul's mouth, he shouted out, "Whew, these beans are salty!" Then my dad would mimic the facial expressions of Paul as he realized what he had done and quickly back-pedaled by saying, "Just like I like 'em!"

I can't guarantee that this story truly originated in my Grandmother's farm house, but we enjoyed having dad tell it time and time again.

Play games. Board games, card games, active games, educational games, silly games, all of them are good. Games are invaluable for learning important life lessons such as sportsmanship. They can also be used to teach a wide range of subject matter--Math, Science, Social Studies, Language, there's a game for all of them. If your budget is tight, check with your local library. If they don't already offer puzzles and games for checkout, maybe they just haven't thought of it!

Are you physically able to get down on the floor to play? Do so if you can. Putting yourself on the same level as a child is powerful non-verbal communication. A child is much more likely to open up when you do so. The experts will all tell you that it is more important to be a parent than a friend to your child, and I will agree with them. The thought I would add, however, is that you do want your child to see you as an ally. Knowing that he or she has someone to talk with and depend on is vital to a child's confidence and self-esteem.

Keep an art box. Put in crayons, paper, markers, scissors, paint, glitter, glue. Also put in differently-shaped cardboard boxes, rolls from paper towels, toilet paper and wrapping paper. Collect pinecones and bottle caps to add. Anything you can think of, really! Find an old sheet that you can use to cover the table or spread out on the floor. Who knows, you may frame that sheet one day!

Have a dress-up trunk. Save old Halloween costumes. Large scraps of fabric become capes or princess gowns. Hats and scarves of all sorts belong in your dress-up kit. Do you have any old make-up that can be donated? Next, find a book of plays or act out your favorite story. You may not even turn on the television for a change! Use parental-control media devices. Well sure, they are going to see and hear it sooner or later. But the point is to make that later instead of sooner. Find out what the ratings are and then develop a plan for adding more levels as your child matures. Include the children when making the plan. Rules that you helped develop are always easier to follow.

Perpetuate the silly childhood myths such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, etc. It's not lying, it's make believe. Children understand the difference. Many children enjoy pretending they still believe long after the truth is revealed. And most older children will continue to pretend with younger children who still do believe.

Bake cookies. You have to do it, even if they are from pre-made cookie dough. The sticky texture of the dough, the delicious smell wafting from the oven, the sizzle as a too-hot cookie touches a wet tongue, and the extra crispiness of the last batch that got left in the oven too long--all these sensations will contribute to lasting memories of a sweet childhood!

Our childhood years are few in comparison to the decades of adulthood. Special and precious, let's do all we can to make those years positive and memorable.

About the author:
Jean Fisher is a former elementary school teacher. Her website http://www.whatsfordinner.net/ What's For Dinner? provides a dinner suggestion for each day of the week, a customizable grocery shopping list, table topics and quality time activities.