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Title: Help Your Marriage Survive The Rough Spots
Author: David Silva
Article:
Every marriage has its ups and downs, its rough periods. Even in the best of circumstances, there are going to be difficult times.
People change.
Circumstances change.
Emotions change.
Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday life places incredible pressure on a relationship.
Almost unnoticed at first, you begin to think thoughts that had once been unthinkable. "I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore." "I'm not attracted to her, not like I was in the beginning." "Maybe if we separated for awhile ..."
The skies can darken in a hurry.
But if you survive these darkest of times, you may find you emerge with a stronger, more trusting relationship than you ever
imagined possible.
Here are a few tips that might help you toward that goal …
1. Have a clear understanding of your expectations. Couples rarely take the time to discuss how the little things will work. What does romance mean to each of you? How will the finances be handled? How will your children be raised? What role will religion play in your relationship? What makes you feel loved? What hurts you? How will arguments be resolved? How will decisions be made? What do you need from your spouse, what does your spouse need from you?
2. Don't fight unfairly. There will always be disagreements. Deal with the matter at hand. Don't drudge up all your hurts and disappointments from the past. Those are different matters, to be handled separately, at a different time. Keep focused on the issue under discussion and avoid muddying the waters with generalized personal attacks ("You're always nagging." "You never do anything unless I tell you to do it first.")
3. Face the issues that are facing you. Hiding from reality never leads to a happy ending. If you're experiencing financial problems, admit it, get it out in the open.
4. Be honest with yourself. Take a step back and give yourself a good long look in the mirror. If your behavior is undermining your relationship (whether it's the way you communicate, or how you treat your spouse, or your personal destructive behavior) own up to it.
5. Take the initiative. Understand that waiting for your spouse to change first will likely result in no change at all. Actions come first. Thoughts and feelings follow. Change your behaviors and watch your spouse's behaviors change in response.
6. Rebuild compatibility. Time has a way of unveiling the differences between couples, especially when your marriage is in trouble. Seek out those interests you have in common with your spouse. Look for opportunities to share activities together. Perhaps it's ballroom dancing, or photography, or camping, or trips to the beach.
7. Remember what it was like when you were dating. What was it that first attracted you to your spouse? What made you first fall in love? How can those feelings be rekindled?
8. Keep your sense of humor. Life is challenging enough without having to live with a brooding, angry spouse. Laugh out loud the way you did when you were a kid. Happiness is a choice. Exercise it.
Marriage is a sacred vow to love your partner for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till ... well you know the rest. Unfortunately, for many people, the pressures, challenges, and monotony of married life have doused its wonderful positive aspects.
Maybe it's time to rekindle the magic.
About the author:
David B. Silva
Understanding Divorce: http://understandingdivorce.com/, understandingdivorce.com. Pick up your free copy of the Divorce & Custody Resource Handbook here: http://understandingdivorce.com/divorcehandbook/ Free Handbook
Title: How To Fighting Fairly In Marriage
Author: George Wood
Article:
One of the most important skills you need learn to keep your marriage healthy and strong is fighting fairly. Fighting can happen in all marriages, not only in bad marriages. Researchers estimate that 25% are happy, 50% will never be happy without therapy. 30% of marriages are considered to be empty and having only a little love or joy. 25% of marriages could really be happy if they would communicate better and if they learned how to resolve conflict.
This latter of 25% is the one that should be focused on. The difference between a bad fight or a bad marriage and a bad fight or a good marriage is learning to fight fair. You can have an overall good marriage even you have a bad fight. Actually, couples who fight in a productive way and end the fight right, report more marital satisfaction. In two words, fight fairly is what separates the couples who fight and make up from the ones who fight and do not.
As it follows, seven tips for fighting fairly in a marriage are presented:
1. Fair fighting involves focusing on the behavior not the person.
2. Direct requests are also used in a fair fighting couple. They ask if they want their partner to behave differently. This way the whole idea would be exposed clearly. For example, instead of saying I need you to change, you can say Please place your dishes in the sink from now on.
3. If you want a fair fight, limit your focus in arguments. Instead of kitchen sinking an argument (meaning when a person is
complaining about everything at the same time, and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure) you can focus on one issue at a
time.
4. Healthy respect and good nonverbal communication are maintained by fair fighting couples. A well known marital researcher at the University of Washington, John Gottman, has highlighted the importance of good nonverbal marital communication, and has identified four behaviors leading to relationship distress. Contempt is one of these behaviors. Non-verbal contempt (eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking their heads) can be a cause for relationship distress if this shows up in a couple.
5. The end of a fight is allowed by fair fighting couples. Letting the fight be over when it is done with it, is one important element of fighting fairly. This way is easier to forgive if not to forget. Just to prove a point, they do not bring up old issues again and again. This way the couples take the chance to make up and reconnect at the first opportunity.
6. It is recommended that in a fair fight, couples discuss issues sooner rather than later, because it is easier to talk about a small issue, before it becomes too big and overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.
7. The couples, in a fair fight should focus on winning in the relationship not on winning the fight for them just to prove they are right. They must remember that they are allies rather than enemies, and they must remember that they are on the same team and working on the same goals. Instead of focusing on their personal ego, they should rather focus on keeping the relationship as their main focus.
The skill of fair fighting can be learned. It is likely that fewer marriages would end in divorce if more people learned to do it. It is a true fact that all marriages will have fights, but it matters how you handle each fight, and this will determine whether your marriage is a happy or unhappy one.
Always remember this: Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. - Barnett R. Brickner
About the author:
DatingShare.com: 100% free, http://www.datingshare.com, dating site and matchmaking service for singles. Plus provides free, http://forums.datingshare.com, dating forums with dating tips and http://www.relationshipsafe.com, relationships advice.