Talking to Kids about Sex
Do you get nervous when your child asks questions about
sex?
Can you tell your children about their bodies and sex
without stuttering?
Hopefully the information, websites and books listed below
will make the process easier for you. Young children don't want the long
answers, they just want the short and simple version. The older the child the
more involved and detailed the answers will become. Do yourself and your kids
justice by printing out the information below and study it carefully. When you
have finished you will be better prepared to help your child through almost any
discussion about sex at whatever age they are when they ask those tough
questions.
Don't take short cuts, your children deserve the best from
you. They are looking to you for answers about what's going on in their lives.
This could be the most important topic you will encounter with your kids.
As a Christian, I believe a man and a woman should not have
sex until after they are married. The statistics show fewer emotional problems
and fewer suicides among teens who abstain from sex. Some the information below
will talk about safe sex and the use of condoms. Condoms do not guarantee your
child won't get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted disease. Do you want your
child to die from aids or some other disease?
The information below is only a small sample of the available resources on the subject of talking to your kids about sex, but it is a starting place. I urge all parents to dig through this page and investigate all of its resources. If you don't put forth the effort to answer your kids questions about sex and their bodies, then down the road you may find that your teen daughter is pregnant or your son has gotten a girl pregnant. We have a topic on this site intitled, "Mom, Dad, I'm Pregnant!", which addresses the issue of teen pregnancy and how parents and teens respond to the news of having a baby. We have a similar topic on our sister site intitled, "My Little Girl Is Pregnant?". The time you take now with your children will save you and them from pain in the future.
Teach your children not to have sex until
after they are married.
The quiz below was borrowed from:
http://quiz.ivillage.com/parenting/tests/teensex.htm.
Print out a copy of the quiz for each parent. Do the quiz
separately. Then share your answers. To find out how you scored,
follow this link. Just put in the answers as they appear on your paper.
Talking to Kids about Sex: Did You Do It Right?
Most parents will say that, yes, they have talked to their child about sex.
However, that conversation can sometimes be summed up in a word: "Don't!" If so,
a teen will turn to friends for advice -- yikes! Some will admit they were
beaten to the punch, quipping, "My child already knows enough." Rarely do
parents give the guidance that a teenager wants and needs. If you are wondering
whether or not you've said the right things, take this quiz contributed by
Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese, iVillage's
Preteen and Teen Experts, and authors of
Parenting 911 and
The Roller-Coaster Years. There's still time to learn how to set the
record straight.
- Do you think boys and girls need the same sexual advice?
Yes -- what's not good for the
goose is not good for the gander
I'm not sure, because it's
still a man's world
No -- girls and boys have
different risk factors and so advice needs to be framed differently for each
gender
- If you catch your child watching Sex and the City
or another program that contains sexual content, you:
Join your child and use the
characters' actions as a springboard to discuss sexual choices
Order your child to turn the
TV off
Sit down and see what
questions may pop up
- Have you conveyed to your child the message that sexual
desire is positive?
Since teenagers are so full of
hormones, they are apt to think that a talk about desire is same as granting
permission
No -- I am way too
uncomfortable and can't imagine how to broach such an intimate subject
Yes -- I have explained that
human beings long for touching and sexual intimacy and that this is natural
and normal
- In your mind, is clothing connected to sexual messages?
Not necessarily -- girls don't
always mean what others conclude from tight tops and short skirts
Most definitely -- girls who
bare their navels and wear skin-tight clothes are trying to let boys know they
are available
No -- fashion is sexier than
it used to be, but that's a sign of the times
- How do you advise your teen about birth control?
I explain that abstinence is
the only way to have 100% safe sex, but I add that using condoms is essential
if an adolescent has sex
To my way of thinking, the
only birth control is abstinence
I'm not sure what to say -- if
I advocate condoms, will that seem like giving permission?
- What's the best way to sum up your sexual advice:
Wait until you are older and
in love
You can express yourself
sexually in small steps as you grow up
Don't do it or I'll ground you
until you're 40
- When you mention body parts and puberty developments do
you use terms or metaphors?
I have always called a spade a
spade, a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina
The less talk about genitals
the better
I say private parts rather
than penis and vagina, and refer to menstruation as "my friend paying a
monthly visit"
- If a teenager is caught having sex, what discipline
tactic is best?
The child should be firmly
talked to and forbidden from making that mistake again
They should not be punished
for sexual decisions
Grounding -- possibly for life
- Do you cover "all the bases" when you talk about sex?
Yes, I explain that sexual
activity gets more intimate and define what first base, second base, third
base and the homerun means
No -- we are talking about
sex, not baseball
I don't think today's kids
really use the first base/second base terminology
- Should oral sex be a topic included in your
conversations?
Not sure, it's really hard to
talk about -- I'm glad the Lewinsky-Clinton scandal is over
Absolutely -- I am aware that
today's young adolescents are engaging in oral sex and think that it is casual
and safe
No, that is not something
young teens should be exposed to
- Should a nice 13-year-old be allowed to date a nice
17-year-old?
Maybe and maybe not -- I
don't think age should be the deciding factor
No, because a 13-year-old may
try to act older and be inclined to give in to peer pressure to smoke, drink
or have sex
No, any 17-year-old who goes
after a baby like that is up to no good
- Is alcohol a separate talk, or should it be part of the
sex dialogue?
Same talk -- no drinking, no
drugs, no parking, no sex -- I feel it's necessary to restrict all of these
behaviors all the time
Separate talk -- drinking and
drug abuse deserve their own separate night of instruction
Same talk -- the point that
drinking washes away inhibitions and drowns good sense needs to be made
- How important is the topic of consent?
Not important at all because
all teenagers want to do it anyway
I'm not certain how to
explain that topic at all
Very important -- both boys
and girls need to understand what consent looks like and sounds like, or they
are at risk of being date-raped or becoming a rapist
- In your opinion, sex talks are:
Fundamental to your child
growing up safe, healthy and empowered
Futile because MTV, R-rated
movies, TV, advertising and peers influence kids and are undoing any
instructions that parents might give
Worth the effort but not very
influential
- What part does your sexual past play in your sexual
instructions?
I have tried to separate out
my sexual history and learn how best to educate my child
I was a sex-crazed adolescent
so my history tells me I shouldn't take a liberal stance
I use my past mistakes as a
major part in trying to influence my child
Talking With Kids About
Sex and Relationships
Most parents want to do
their best in talking with their kids about sex and sexuality, but we're often
not sure how to begin. Here's our advice:
Explore your own attitudes
Studies show that kids
who feel they can talk with their parents about sex -- because their moms and
dads speak openly and listen carefully to them -- are less likely to engage in
high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their
parents about the subject. So explore your feelings about sex. If you are very
uncomfortable with the subject, read some books and discuss your feelings with a
trusted friend, relative, physician, or clergy member. The more you examine the
subject, the more confident you'll feel discussing it.
Even if you can't quite
overcome your discomfort, don't worry about admitting it to your kids. It's okay
to say something like, "You know, I'm uncomfortable talking about sex because my
parents never talked with me about it. But I want us to be able to talk about
anything -- including sex -- so please come to me if you have any questions. And
if I don't know the answer, I'll find out."
Start
early
Teaching your children
about sex demands a gentle, continuous flow of information that should begin as
early as possible -- for instance, when teaching your toddler where his nose and
toes are, include "this is your penis" or "this is your vagina" in your talks.
As your child grows, you can continue her education by adding more materials
gradually until she understands the subject well.
Take
the initiative
If your child hasn't
started asking questions about sex, look for a good opportunity to bring it up.
Say, for instance, the mother of an 8-year-old's best friend is pregnant. You
can say, "Did you notice that David's mommy's tummy is getting bigger? That's
because she's going to have a baby and she's carrying it inside her. Do you know
how the baby got inside her?" then let the conversation move from there.
Talk
about more than the "Birds and the Bees"
While our children need
to know the biological facts about sex, they also need to understand that sexual
relationships involve caring, concern and responsibility. By discussing the
emotional aspect of a sexual relationship with your child, she will be better
informed to make decisions later on and to resist peer pressure. If your child
is a pre-teen, you need to include some message about the responsibilities and
consequences of sexual activity. Conversations with 11 and 12-year-olds, for
example, should include talks about unwanted pregnancy and how they can protect
themselves.
One aspect that many
parents overlook when discussing sex with their child is dating. As opposed to
movies, where two people meet and later end up in bed together, in real life
there is time to get to know each other -- time to hold hands, go bowling, see a
movie, or just talk. Children need to know that this is an important part of a
caring relationship.
Give
accurate, age-appropriate information
Talk about sex in a way
that fits the age and stage of your child. If your 8-year-old asks why boys and
girls change so much physically as they grow, you can say something like, "The
body has special chemicals called hormones that tell it whether to become a boy
or a girl. A boy has a penis and testicles, and when he grows older his voice
gets lower and he gets more hair on his body. A girl has a vulva and vagina, and
when she gets older she grows breasts and her hips grow rounder."
Anticipate the next stage of development
Children can get
frightened and confused by the sudden changes their bodies begin to go through
as they reach puberty. To help stop any anxiety, talk with your kids not only
about their current stage of development but about the next stage, too. An
8-year-old girl is old enough to learn about menstruation, just as a boy that
age is ready to learn how his body will change.
Communicate your values
It's our responsibility
to let our children know our values about sex. Although they may not adopt these
values as they mature, at least they'll be aware of them as they struggle to
figure out how they feel and want to behave.
Talk
with your child of the opposite sex
Some parents feel
uncomfortable talking with their child about topics like sex if the youngster is
of the opposite gender. While that's certainly understandable, don't let it
become an excuse to close off conversation. If you're a single mother of a son,
for example, you can turn to books to help guide you or ask your doctor for some
advice on how to bring up the topic with your child. You could also recruit an
uncle or other close male friend or relative to discuss the subject with your
child, provided there is already good, open communication between them. If there
are two parents in the household, it might feel less awkward to have the dad
talk with the boy and the mom with the girl. That's not a hard and fast rule,
though. If you're comfortable talking with either sons or daughters, go right
ahead. Just make sure that gender differences don't make subjects like sex
taboo.
Relax
Don't worry about
knowing all the answers to your children's questions; what you know is a lot
less important than how you respond. If you can convey the message that no
subject, including sex, is forbidden in your home, you'll be doing just fine.
Questions & Answers
What's
safe sex?
If two people have
sexual intercourse, and one of them has HIV or another sexually transmitted
disease, he could give it to his partner(s). Doctors believe that if the man
wears a latex condom whenever he has intercourse, it helps to protect him and
his partner from giving each other HIV. That's why people call sexual
intercourse with a latex condom "safe sex."
Is it
true that you can't get pregnant the first time that you have sex?
No. You can get
pregnant anytime you have sexual intercourse. Wearing a latex condom, taking
birth control pills, or using other contraceptives are very effective at
preventing pregnancy. However, the only absolute way to not get pregnant is to
not have sex at all. You might also use this question as an opportunity to point
out that not having sexual intercourse is a good idea for teens. Help them
understand there are other ways to show affection.
The
above article was borrowed from:
http://www.talkingwithkids.org/sex.html
Talking To Your Kids
About Sex
No. 62;
Updated May 2005
Talking to
your children about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting.
Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to
talk to their children about these issues. However, many parents avoid or
postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teenage girls become
pregnant in the
United States
and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease. Children and
adolescents need input and guidance from parents to help them make healthy and
appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused
and over stimulated by what they see and hear. Information about sex obtained by
children from the Internet can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate.
Talking
about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and children. Parents should
respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual child, offering no
more or less information than their child is asking for and is able to
understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or
other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or
diagrams may aid communication and understanding.
Children
have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age
and level of maturity. As children grow older, they will often ask for more
details about sex. Many children have their own words for body parts. It is
important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking
with them easier. A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies
come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps
when his seed combines with mom's seed which causes the baby to start to grow.
An 8-year-old may want to know how dad's seed gets to mom's seed. Parents may
want to talk about dad's seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining
with mom's seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of
mom's uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An
11-year-old may want to know even more and parents can help by talking about how
a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.
It is
important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from
being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings
about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your children can
help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to
do something before they are ready. Helping children understand that these are
decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that
they make good choices.
Adolescents
are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships.
They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings,
confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a
relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception,
pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some adolescents also
struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open
communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that
teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once
they begin.
In talking
with your child or adolescent, it is helpful to:
-
Encourage your child to
talk and ask questions.
-
Maintain a calm and
non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
-
Use words that are
understandable and comfortable.
-
Try to determine your
child's level of knowledge and understanding.
-
Keep your sense of humor
and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
-
Relate sex to love,
intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
-
Be open in sharing your
values and concerns.
-
Discuss the importance of
responsibility for choices and decisions.
-
Help your child to
consider the pros and cons of choices.
By
developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and
choice, parents can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and
positive manner.
The article
above was borrowed from:
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/talking_to_your_kids_about_sex
The websites below are only a small portion of the information available.
Some of these sites may lead you to more valuable information on a variety of
topics to discuss with your children.
Sex
Ed: Talking with your kids about sex
Open communication with your children about sex is important. Here are some tips
to help get you started.
http://www.parenting.ivillage.com/teen/tdating/0,,48nn,00.html
Talking to Your Kids About Sex
Talking to your kids about sex can be one of the trickier assignments for
fathers.
When you do start the discussion? How much should you say?
http://www.fatherhood.about.com/od/agesandstages/a/talkingaboutsex.htm
Talking To Your Kids About Sex - WebMD
Talking to children about sexual health and safe sexual decisions helps them to
develop a cautious, healthy attitude towards sex.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/talking-to-your-kids-about-sex
Medem: Medical Library: Talking With Your Young Child About Sex
Talking about sex and sexuality gives you a chance to share your values and
beliefs with your child. Sometimes the topic or the questions may seem ...
http://www.medem.com/medlb/article_detaillb.cfm?article_ID=ZZZ6JP71NUC&sub_cat=269
TALKING TO YOUR KIDS
ABOUT SEX
Talking to your children about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of
parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere ...
http://www.puberty101.com/aacap_talksex.shtml
All
Family Resources: Talking to Your Kids About Sex facts of life 62
Talking to Your Kids About Sex facts of life informations at All Family
Resources,
a quality resources for information and services for managing families.
http://www.familymanagement.com/facts/english/facts62.html
How
to speak with your child about sex from MedicineNet.com
Advice on talking to your kids about sex to prevent teen sex, teen pregnancy and
promote ... That is why it is a good idea to talk to your kids about sex. ...
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=42691
Sex
education: Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex ...
As children learn to walk and talk, they also begin to learn about their bodies.
Open the door to sex education by teaching your children the proper names ...
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sex-education/HQ00547
How to Talk to
Your Child About Sex | eHow.com
How to Talk to Your Child About Sex. More than 25 percent of 15-year-olds have
had sexual intercourse - many start as early as age 12 or 13 - so it's wise ...
http://www.ehow.com/how_18819_talk-child-about.html
Parenting.com Guide: Talking to Kids About Sex | Children | Ages ...
Talking to Kids About Sex How to answer your child's tough questions about ....
Storybooks can help get across the concept of sex to your child or further ...
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/child/article/0,19840,1610471,00.html